Sexual De-Armoring: A Skeptic's Guide to Releasing What's Ready
Lately, it feels like the term ‘sexual de-armoring’ is everywhere. It’s popping up in workshop titles, on social media feeds, and whispered in conversations at healing events. And with its return to the spotlight, a question has started landing in my inbox and DMs more and more: “Francesca, what’s your take on this? Something about it feels… off.”
I get it. You feel that quiet ick in your gut. A skepticism that rises like a shield.
It’s the native New Yorker in me. The part that’s been raised to do her homework, to question the hustle, and to ask one simple, powerful question when a trendy new term starts making the rounds:
Where did this fucking come from?
If you’re feeling a little cringy or confused about the whole de-armoring conversation, let's pull back the curtain. Your discernment is not just valid; it's brilliant. Let's give it some data.
The Blueprint: A Quick History of "Body Armoring"
The concept isn’t new. It starts with a solid, respectable foundation.
The Engineer's Origin: In the 1930s, a psychoanalyst named Wilhelm Reich developed his Segmental Armoring Theory. He was researching connection between mind and body, proposing that our emotional conflicts manifest as chronic muscular tension — or "armor."
So far, so good. We can all agree on that. Our bodies hold our stories. No dispute here. This is the bedrock of somatic work.
The "Tantric" Twist: Then, in the 1990s, a man named Andrew Barnes coined the term "tantric de-armoring." He began teaching sexual practices (essentially, internal massage of the vagina or prostate) as a way to "break" this armor and unlock more pleasure.
Okay. A massage feels good. It can be relaxing and create release. But the language started to shift. It became about ripping something away. About an external force acting upon you.
And this is where the history gets dark.
In 2017, Barnes was accused of sexual assault and rape by multiple women. Dig a little deeper, and you’ll find his own teacher, Shantam Nityama, is notorious for running a sex cult.
(This is a good place to pause and listen to my recent podcast conversation on "Cult Leader Warning Signs and the Medicine of Trustworthy Guides" if you want to understand how these patterns emerge in spiritual spaces.)
So, if your internal "hustle detector" has been going off around this practice, please, celebrate that wisdom. At best, "de-armoring" as it's often taught is a distorted, goal-oriented practice. At worst, it’s a shaming tool used to coerce people into overriding their own "no" in the name of "healing."
Your Armor Isn't a Flaw. It's a Fucking Fortress.
Here’s the truth they don’t tell you in the dog-and-pony shows: your armor is intelligent.
It's a protective mechanism your brilliant system built for a very good reason. It’s the fortress wall that kept you safe when the world was not. It’s the protocol that ran in the background to ensure your survival.
True story… I once had someone at a sexuality event “notice” the tension in my shoulder and ask if they could "remove the armor" they felt there.
My response? "Absolutely not."
Who the fuck are you to decide my protection is no longer needed? What makes you think that armor isn't masterfully serving its purpose right now, in this space, with you?
The dominant narrative around de-armoring frames your protection as a problem to be solved, a wall to be torn down, something to be ripped away from you. This is fundamentally disempowering.
I want to offer you a different paradigm. A more sacred, more sovereign truth.
The Priestess's Teaching: Let It Slough Off
Think of a snake.
A snake doesn't rip its old skin off. It doesn't strain or struggle to tear it away.
The old skin sheds, effortlessly, only when the new, stronger, more vibrant layer underneath is already fully formed. It sloughs off because it is no longer needed. The release is a natural consequence of growth.
This is the true nature of somatic healing and release.
So, what if the goal isn't to "de-armor" at all? The invitation, then, is to focus on building safety. To prioritize the cultivation of pleasure. To architect a life, a body, and a nervous system so resilient and resourced that the old armor simply becomes obsolete.
It will slough off when it’s time. You won't have to force it. You’ll just notice, one day, that you can breathe a little deeper. That your hips can sway a little more freely. That your "no" is a clean, clear boundary and your "yes" is a full-body surrender.
From "Breaking" Armor to Following Pleasure
So, what's the work?
The work isn't to diagnose your armor and attack it.
The work is to sanctify your own experience. It’s about learning to follow the whispers of your pleasure (maybe an internal massage; maybe a chastity cage), letting that be the guide that reveals what’s ready to release.
It’s about building skillful means to know when to engage your protective energy and how to masterfully put it on and take it off at will.
You are the master of your own system.
The High Priestess of your own temple.
The Chief Engineer of your own healing.
Don't let anyone sell you a shortcut that requires you to abandon your own authority.
If you're ready to move beyond the hype and learn a framework for healing that centers your pleasure and honors your body's wisdom, I invite you to explore my masterclass.
The "Trauma, Kink & Somatic Healing" Masterclass is your entryway into this new paradigm. It's not about "de-armoring"; it's about discovering how to let pleasure lead you back to the truth of your own body, on your own terms. It’s the first step in learning to let the old skin go, because the new you is already here.